Hearing that a new series is due to be made in the Battlestar Galactica franchise which seems bound to castigate her kind again, the Cylon known as Number Six speaks out in a letter to Executive Producer David Eick.
“It has come to my attention that Hollywood screenwriters are attempting a third time to tell the story of my noble race. Given the way we were portrayed in the SyFy Channel’s last attempt, Caprica, I feel I must protest strongly before our reputation is damaged further.
“As you will note in Caprica, Daniel Graystone originally conceived us to do some of the manual tasks that his kind didn’t want to do. Vacuuming is no more fun on Caprica than on your puny planet, let me tell you. Currently we are being left in a rather small, dirty box as he appears to have lost interest in us. Honestly if he leaves us in there much longer, you can hardly blame us if we wake up and want to do some ‘house cleaning’ on our own terms. I believe you have an analogy on your planet if you look at Toy Story 3. Remember what happened when Andy’s Mom put a bag with Mr Potato Head and his friends out on the curb for the garbage truck?
“Cylons in the previous series, Battlestar Galactica, were terribly undervalued too. Name me another master race that can march in lines quite as straight as ours? Or one that has found a way to make fire with just a look of its eye and a swivel of its head?
“And since we’re on the subject of heat, let’s deal once and for all with this slanderous nickname that has taken hold…the toaster. We may bear a passing resemblance to the Cylon centurions from the first Human/Cylon war. But we have learned the art of applying Turtle Wax better than any of your flimsy automatic car wash machines.
“I am of course happy with the actress previously chosen to play me, Tricia Helfer. A former Elite Model recognized on four of your tiny little continents, this was the one sound decision made by the producers of that show. It was easy to believe she could beguile any human into doing what she bid, as of course we can. If only they had continued to be so wise.
“Finally I would like it to be remembered that compared to us, humans are notoriously directionally challenged. Is anyone else trying to figure out why it took them four years to find Earth? One wonders if it would have been easier with paper bags over their heads. They certainly arrived a little late to the party. For our part, with just one eye each, we are always able to detect which way these puny individuals are going to emerge from those interminably long corridors that seem to crop up on every space ship.
“There is much still to be told of our good deeds, but I fear it is unlikely to be seen in the next perversion of our story, ‘Blood and Chrome’. When will people learn of our artistic accomplishments? Does anyone even care that we were the first race to practice recycling? Our methods of reproducing are particularly unmessy. Give me five minutes in a room with the producers and I will[jo1]
reduce them to a pulpy pile of bone and fleshshow them how to pay proper homage to our kind.